buried, drowning in words.

I can't stop thinking about my day.
I did so much and yet I feel like I didn't do anything.

I think I'm still measuring busyness and doing things by other people's standards. It's like, if you didn't leave the house until 6 pm you didn't do anything. Well, you know what...I wrote. I wrote like all day long and believe me, it was exhausting. There are just so many words, a million ways to say one thing.

It's like giving blood.
Sometimes it's a painful process, but it has the potential to be life saving.
Well, that is a bit dramatic. But it's true, and anyway...it gives me something to do now that I'm not in school.

Since I gave up on school, I have felt kind of lost. I mean, I made my bed and I plan to lie in it but everyone just keeps telling me I'm too smart to quit.
"You're smarter than that." they say.
While I do appreciate the faith (but not) that you might have in my intelligence, I made my decision. It's not where I want to be right now. End of story.

You know, I used to find immense importance in physical things, pleasure especially...of a sexual nature usually. But some nights ago, I realized that how we feel and what we feel are not always connected. And I also realized that no matter how much you want to...there are just some things you can't say. Won't say.
I used to just blurt things out not caring if the timing was right...but I think that the older I've gotten the more I have realized that words are sensitive creatures...things have to be just so.

All I want right now...is words. Comforting words. Words I've never heard before. Ones I have but not in a while.
Validation.
Affirmation.
Written. Spoken. Screamed. Whispered.

Just say it.


Anyway...
This is the only time when I'm totally sure. When I'm not scared...when the words come from my fingers and not my mouth