Tuesday, November 25, 2008

too much time on my hands

i need to go back to work.
i am not the kind of person who can float through life with nothing to do and not a care in the world.
i need to have my mind engaged, even if it is engaged in something thats boring.
i have to have something to do to keep me from thinking too much about things i don't want to think about at all

when left to my own devices, i think alot about diseases and death. i dont know why.
i haven't always been that way. i remember a couple of years ago, sitting and vegging in front of the tv, i was thinking about shoes. i thought i was crazy then, because i couldn't shake this odd feeling of euphoria i got when i thought of high heeled boots...and i hadn't even bought them yet!

but now, here on maternity leave with a newborn son, all i can think about is how some day i will die and leave him. how one day, Andrew will die and i might be left husbandless. how one day, we'll both be gone and Zeph will technically be an orphan. a sad sixty-ish (i'm letting us live into our eighties in this scenario because that gives us sixty more years on earth...which keeps me from freaking out) orphan.

when i was pregnant with him, my thoughts would drift to diseases more often than death. i hadn't had any successful ultrasounds, had been to late to have the amniotic fluid tested. so, my fear was that he would have all the things that the testing would have revealed him to have, had i been able to have it, only i wouldn't have had any time to adjust to the idea of having a special needs child.
i was afraid he would be born with a problem, and that i wouldn't be able to handle it, and that both of our lives would be ruined.

but that didn't happen. he is perfectly healthy, and so am i, and so is his dad (or rather will be when he stops smoking) and i have nothing to worry about right now.

so why does it seem like i'm trying to kill us all in my mind?
i REALLY need to go back to work. like, tomorrow.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Saturday, November 22, 2008

two weeks

yesterday was Zephyr's two week birthday.
i guess being in the world for two whole weeks had him in a good mood because he seemed to mostly be over the fussy phase he had been in for the past three days.

he slept alot of the day...maybe he feels old already. ha!

i'm going to start planning his "yay i'm a month old!" party now so i don't end up sleeping through it!

Monday, November 17, 2008

date night

last night my mom agreed to watch Zephyr while we went out for a while.
we went out to dinner, and were going to come home and take a nap before picking him up, but instead we decided to go grocery shopping. grocery shopping on date night? that never used to happen but we're starting to see that if we don't utilize our time correctly we'll never get anything done.
i kind of miss when we used to go out to dinner, talk about what we had done at work or at school (when we were going), then go to a movie, then maybe go for drinks before making out in his car. lol
but that was before we moved in together, got engaged, and had the baby. it seems like an entire lifetime ago. we're no longer single, childless people. now we are parents so, our date night went like this:
- dropped off the baby
- talked about the baby on the way to dinner
- ate dinner really fast because we were starving (its really hard to fix something to eat while trying to keep a baby from crying, so by 5pm we still hadnt eaten anything even though we got up at around 10am)
- talked about how much we missed the baby on the way back from dinner
- went grocery shopping
- put up groceries and hung out for 15 minutes
- picked up the baby
- spent most of the night trying to get the baby to sleep

i did get a few good night kisses, so i guess the evening wasn't a total bust.
i feel like a mom now!

(Andrew unwinding with "The Hunt for Red October" after our hot date. Zephyr is tired from visiting his Mimi's house)

Saturday, November 15, 2008

a week and a day!

Zeph has been with us for a week and a day, oh man!
Not that I expected him to go anywhere, but well...I'm paranoid and so everyday that he wakes up in one piece is really exciting for me!

We weren't able to have a week old party because he was sleeping, but we were excited and in high spirits that whole day. So if he ever asks when he's older, well say we celebrated in our minds while he celebrated in his bassinet.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Gearhart Zephyr Stover

My adorable son, Gearhart Zephyr Stover, was born on November 7th, 2008 at 11:04pm by C-section. He weighed in at 7 pounds, 10 ounces and was 19.5 inches long (tall?)
He had brightish red hair when he was born, but has since settled into an auburn blonde like Andrew's.
We spent a few days in the hospital resting before coming home Monday evening, where we are still mostly resting and taking it easy. He sleeps well for me, but has a bad habit in keeping his daddy up all night. Male bonding, I suppose.

In any case, he is the most perfect human being I've ever encountered, and I'm loving every moment of being his mom!

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

yo california, what the hell dude?

even though i was unable to vote this year (looooooooong story) i'm pretty jazzed about how things turned out. i was definitely pulling for Obama...what a history making election this has turned out to be!

(this might make me sound like way too much of a liberal and if it does i don't give a crap) there is something that really bothers me about how prop 8 turned out.
all i have to say is:

California wants to claim "progressive" status at every turn so they helped elect a black man into the office of president, but gays can't get married?

seriously, if we're going to break down barriers let's go big or go home.
what is so wrong with people who love each other getting married? if i get to do it, why can't my mom and her girlfriend do it? why can't my gay friends do it? it just makes me so sad because i know alot of people were counting on having the opportunity to marry their partners finally.
i thought everyone was supposed to be equal in this country, but apparently that excludes homosexuals.

what the fuck California?
i'm not sure if i miss you so much now.

*end rant*