tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-355692682024-03-07T00:22:14.072-08:00stop saying words...it's word-mazing.Meghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05965816739820366841noreply@blogger.comBlogger85125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35569268.post-47373106954007658662009-12-20T10:20:00.001-08:002009-12-20T10:20:36.843-08:00medical bills suck assi wish i could get 100,000 people to give me two bucks...Meghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05965816739820366841noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35569268.post-9768392488445212292009-07-29T20:03:00.000-07:002009-07-29T20:11:11.154-07:00i want to grow up!i don't feel like an adult.<br />there are so many things that i haven't done, that all my other friends have done. they are all graduating college and buying houses and cars and i'm doing nothing. just sitting around having cancer.<br />i know the cancer isn't my fault, but the other stuff is. i could have finished college but i was too lazy. i could get a car but i'm too afraid to take the driver's test and get my license, and my credit sucks because i got a credit card and didn't pay the balance.<br />sometimes i just feel so stupid and immature, i feel bad that zephyr has a mom like me, instead of a mom that is crazy motivated like i need to be in order to get us out of our stupid financial situation. <br />i've made so many mistakes and i'm trying to fix them, but it's so hard. i feel like my cancer is a wall that is stopping me from making the next step in my life. but that's probably just another excuse for being lazy.<br />i wish i could grow out of that, but i don't even know how to try.Meghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05965816739820366841noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35569268.post-48650917306547647582009-06-26T20:27:00.000-07:002009-06-26T20:36:13.177-07:00Rest in Peace, Michael JacksonHe was hounded, misunderstood, and hated by some in life...not much has changed since his death.<br /><br />I feel bad for the man because it seems like all he wanted in life was to entertain people. I understand that feeling, and I am so sad that things got so complicated for him while he was pursuing his dream. I can't imagine living my life with so many people watching my every move and turning every misstep into front page news.<br />We will never know the truth about the accusations made against him, but that doesn't really matter now. The world has lost an immensely talented artist, and even more tragic, three innocent children have lost their father.<br /><br /><br />I hope he gets the peace in death that he never had in life.Meghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05965816739820366841noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35569268.post-47705996965598966432009-06-17T20:56:00.000-07:002009-06-17T20:57:41.763-07:00how i spent my 2009 so far AKA catch up time<span style="font-weight:bold;">january</span> -- quit at walmart. tired of all the crap. tired of not being able to spend time with my son. tired, period.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">february</span> -- <br />started what i thought was a really heavy period. put off going to the doctor because i was literally too tired to get dressed and go. after paleness and lightheadedness began, i was persuaded by my fiance to go to my gyno. after a few blood tests, i was told without emergency treatment i would bleed to death. after a D&C, four days in intensive care and a painful bone marrow aspirate, i was diagnosed with leukemia and sent to UAMS in little rock arkansas for monitored inpatient care and chemotherapy.<br />my family visited me as much as they could, but being away from them, especially my son, was the worst.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">march </span>--<br />after several chemotherapy treatments, i started to experience double vision. i was sent to an eye doctor who told me there was swelling present behind my left eye. around this time i started having really bad headaches.<br />one night, as i was settling in for the night, i had a stroke and seizure due to excess fluid putting pressure on my brain. they sent me downstairs for a cat scan, and while i was waiting, i had another seizure. they called my family ("just in case") and my fiance came to be with me. later that night, i had another seizure. it takes about two weeks, but i finally regained the use of my right arm, and my speech started to go back to normal.<br />this is also the month that my hair started falling out and i just decided to shave it and get it over with. my fiance kept his promise and shaved his head with me.<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">april</span>--<br />in the beginning of the month, i had surgery to place a shunt in my head to drain the fluid off of my brain. i was initially very hesitant to have the surgery, but once i was told that the next stroke i had could very well be fatal, i decided to just man up and get it done. i was terrified that i would die on the operating table but, obviously, i came out of it fine. i have scars in my scalp that are now covered with hair, and a big on my stomach which fits in nicely with all the stretch marks i got while pregnant.<br />two days after surgery, i am cleared to go home, after almost two months of living in the cancer ward of UAMS.<br />this is also the month that my five weeks of chemo started.<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">may</span>--<br />didn't do much but go to, and finish up chemo in may. started feeling a little bit better and getting back into the swing of things. then at the end of the month, i was admitted to the hospital again and diagnosed with pulmonary embolism, probably a side effect of being off my feet for so long after surgery. after a few days at my local hospital, i was transferred to UAMS again and spent about a week there. i missed andrew's birthday due to being in the hospital for the second year in a row. i hope i don't miss next year!<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">june</span>--<br />so far, june has been the least sucky month of the year. my 23rd birthday (june 15th) passed by without a hitch, and i even got to have not one, but TWO birthday lunches. we have been celebrating all week, because we realize that i am lucky to be alive with all the shit that has happened to me this year. i am still making it through ok, sometimes i get tired and run down but in general, i'm feeling good.<br /><br /><br /><br />now i'm all caught up with my blog.<br />feels good to talk about all that crap i went through, a weight has been lifted!Meghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05965816739820366841noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35569268.post-16583929256784037072008-11-25T12:53:00.000-08:002008-11-25T13:05:30.743-08:00too much time on my handsi need to go back to work.<br />i am not the kind of person who can float through life with nothing to do and not a care in the world. <br />i need to have my mind engaged, even if it is engaged in something thats boring.<br />i have to have something to do to keep me from thinking too much about things i don't want to think about at all<br /><br />when left to my own devices, i think alot about diseases and death. i dont know why.<br />i haven't always been that way. i remember a couple of years ago, sitting and vegging in front of the tv, i was thinking about shoes. i thought i was crazy then, because i couldn't shake this odd feeling of euphoria i got when i thought of high heeled boots...and i hadn't even bought them yet!<br /><br />but now, here on maternity leave with a newborn son, all i can think about is how some day i will die and leave him. how one day, Andrew will die and i might be left husbandless. how one day, we'll both be gone and Zeph will technically be an orphan. a sad sixty-ish (i'm letting us live into our eighties in this scenario because that gives us sixty more years on earth...which keeps me from freaking out) orphan.<br /><br /><br />when i was pregnant with him, my thoughts would drift to diseases more often than death. i hadn't had any successful ultrasounds, had been to late to have the amniotic fluid tested. so, my fear was that he would have all the things that the testing would have revealed him to have, had i been able to have it, only i wouldn't have had any time to adjust to the idea of having a special needs child.<br />i was afraid he would be born with a problem, and that i wouldn't be able to handle it, and that both of our lives would be ruined.<br /><br />but that didn't happen. he is perfectly healthy, and so am i, and so is his dad (or rather will be when he stops smoking) and i have nothing to worry about right now.<br /><br /><br />so why does it seem like i'm trying to kill us all in my mind?<br />i REALLY need to go back to work. like, tomorrow.Meghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05965816739820366841noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35569268.post-13447770060970143642008-11-23T13:38:00.000-08:002008-11-23T13:39:28.726-08:00my new best friend<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/DDMi1vAQVXg&hl=en&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/DDMi1vAQVXg&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br /><br />seriously.Meghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05965816739820366841noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35569268.post-13944631564695973492008-11-22T11:42:00.000-08:002008-11-22T11:46:43.026-08:00two weeksyesterday was Zephyr's two week birthday. <br />i guess being in the world for two whole weeks had him in a good mood because he seemed to mostly be over the fussy phase he had been in for the past three days.<br /><br />he slept alot of the day...maybe he feels old already. ha!<br /><br />i'm going to start planning his "yay i'm a month old!" party now so i don't end up sleeping through it!Meghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05965816739820366841noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35569268.post-13324480583311534822008-11-17T14:05:00.000-08:002008-11-17T14:38:16.711-08:00date nightlast night my mom agreed to watch Zephyr while we went out for a while.<br />we went out to dinner, and were going to come home and take a nap before picking him up, but instead we decided to <em>go grocery shopping</em>. grocery shopping on date night? that never used to happen but we're starting to see that if we don't utilize our time correctly we'll never get anything done. <br />i kind of miss when we used to go out to dinner, talk about what we had done at work or at school (when we were going), then go to a movie, then maybe go for drinks before making out in his car. lol<br />but that was before we moved in together, got engaged, and had the baby. it seems like an entire lifetime ago. we're no longer single, childless people. now we are parents so, our date night went like this:<br />- dropped off the baby<br />- talked about the baby on the way to dinner<br />- ate dinner really fast because we were starving (its really hard to fix something to eat while trying to keep a baby from crying, so by 5pm we still hadnt eaten anything even though we got up at around 10am)<br />- talked about how much we missed the baby on the way back from dinner<br />- went grocery shopping<br />- put up groceries and hung out for 15 minutes<br />- picked up the baby <br />- spent most of the night trying to get the baby to sleep<br /><br /><br />i did get a few good night kisses, so i guess the evening wasn't a total bust.<br />*sigh*<br />i feel like a mom now!<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjaHJDR0-xDDHBlOyRS7pfCVcN5T-lOg5jdoQvAgECMo1Is3Bro9UjNKdQEHRnx-8Q0Y9zVyf5jYX_TcWidR5JndwfASVPj8chittmbNcDt1hSfdPjVMLsDcrbOEUgpZE-t0ky4LA/s1600-h/IMG_0117.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjaHJDR0-xDDHBlOyRS7pfCVcN5T-lOg5jdoQvAgECMo1Is3Bro9UjNKdQEHRnx-8Q0Y9zVyf5jYX_TcWidR5JndwfASVPj8chittmbNcDt1hSfdPjVMLsDcrbOEUgpZE-t0ky4LA/s320/IMG_0117.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5269759296065259298" /></a><br /><br />(Andrew unwinding with "The Hunt for Red October" after our hot date. Zephyr is tired from visiting his Mimi's house)Meghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05965816739820366841noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35569268.post-21891494250557662082008-11-15T17:04:00.000-08:002008-11-15T17:09:04.359-08:00a week and a day!Zeph has been with us for a week and a day, oh man!<br />Not that I expected him to go anywhere, but well...I'm paranoid and so everyday that he wakes up in one piece is really exciting for me!<br /><br />We weren't able to have a week old party because he was sleeping, but we were excited and in high spirits that whole day. So if he ever asks when he's older, well say we celebrated in our minds while he celebrated in his bassinet.Meghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05965816739820366841noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35569268.post-15092792820797320492008-11-13T10:29:00.000-08:002008-11-13T10:47:20.513-08:00Gearhart Zephyr StoverMy adorable son, Gearhart Zephyr Stover, was born on November 7th, 2008 at 11:04pm by C-section. He weighed in at 7 pounds, 10 ounces and was 19.5 inches long (tall?)<br />He had brightish red hair when he was born, but has since settled into an auburn blonde like Andrew's.<br />We spent a few days in the hospital resting before coming home Monday evening, where we are still mostly resting and taking it easy. He sleeps well for me, but has a bad habit in keeping his daddy up all night. Male bonding, I suppose.<br /><br />In any case, he is the most perfect human being I've ever encountered, and I'm loving every moment of being his mom!<br /><br /><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3liubyi_B4RHxwHUO2igPLq0uhvSwHKL-P1keeLneMaNpO55acn04PSW2tApohQsKGEiSCelIvN9oqxro-WGYNkP4g9KhLkSOpHu5naaIOJ0PAPNzZW3BoVE7FKRybvRf99Sybw/s1600-h/IMG_0056.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3liubyi_B4RHxwHUO2igPLq0uhvSwHKL-P1keeLneMaNpO55acn04PSW2tApohQsKGEiSCelIvN9oqxro-WGYNkP4g9KhLkSOpHu5naaIOJ0PAPNzZW3BoVE7FKRybvRf99Sybw/s320/IMG_0056.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5268215106848206834" /></a>Meghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05965816739820366841noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35569268.post-44883919462978322782008-11-05T22:41:00.000-08:002008-11-05T22:52:06.952-08:00yo california, what the hell dude?even though i was unable to vote this year (looooooooong story) i'm pretty jazzed about how things turned out. i was definitely pulling for Obama...what a history making election this has turned out to be!<br /><br /><br />BUT<br />(this might make me sound like way too much of a liberal and if it does i don't give a crap) there is something that really bothers me about how prop 8 turned out.<br />all i have to say is:<br /><br /><br /><em><strong>California wants to claim "progressive" status at every turn so they helped elect a black man into the office of president, but gays can't get married?</strong></em><br /><br /><br />seriously, if we're going to break down barriers let's go big or go home. <br />what is so wrong with people who love each other getting married? if i get to do it, why can't my mom and her girlfriend do it? why can't my gay friends do it? it just makes me so sad because i know alot of people were counting on having the opportunity to marry their partners finally.<br />i thought everyone was supposed to be equal in this country, but apparently that excludes homosexuals.<br /><br /><br />SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT HERE!!!<br />what the fuck California? <br />i'm not sure if i miss you so much now.<br /><br /><br /><br />*end rant*Meghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05965816739820366841noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35569268.post-58805560019066166112008-10-31T09:19:00.000-07:002008-10-31T09:52:42.019-07:00almost there and other short stories<em><strong>almost there</strong></em><br />so today i realized that it's about ten days until my expected due date.<br />i was going to go on leave tomorrow, but my boss managed to guilt trip me into staying another week. there's no real reason why i can't or shouldn't so things should be fine, although i have an odd feeling that i may go into labor at walmart...which will officially make me the most white trash person i know. unmarried, pregnant and working at walmart. not where i thought i'd be at 22 but i'm sure i'll get to where i'm headed (married college grad and mom with a stable career) eventually.<br /><br /><em><strong>can't complain but will</strong></em><br />things are going well right now, so much so that i am really having a hard time complaining about things.<br />well, except for my sciatica. and sore back. and knees. and ankles. and the random zit i woke up with this morning despite my well researched and carried out blemish erradiction plan. i'm 22 and i feel like i'm going to have zits my whole life. i did pretty good the past few weeks and now that i'm nearing the end of my pregnancy the little buggers just keep popping up.<br />they're never that bad and i'm not sure that anyone else notices them, but i do. i had started getting really excited about the prospect of being at the end of my teenager skin days but it seems like i have at least a few more months to go. maybe i should get a second job and devote the wages from said job to maintaining regular visits to the dermatologist. that sounds practical, right?<br /><br /><em><strong>second mcjobberson</strong></em><br />speaking of second jobs, andrew is thinking of getting one, for some reason. i told him he should just find a better first job, but that would just be too easy right?<br />walmart has been kind of good to both of us but really...we can't wait to find better things and move on. it really sucks working at the only store in town, especially if you're like me and are very nearly a shopaholic. i'm missing all the good deals because by the time my shift is over i can't wait to get away from the store! i wonder if that's a strong enough reason to sue for emotional damages.<br /><br /><br /><em><strong>all the small things</strong></em><br />i don't know if our cat Juno is just big or if baby stuff is just really small, but she is too large for the sling carrier we bought for the baby last night. yes...we test all of our baby items on the cats first. give us a break, we don't have a tv yet.<br />i guess i never realized how small babies were until i got all the little clothes together in one place and saw that, folded up, 25 or more onesies only took up one shelf out of four.<br />all the diapers we have been gifted with, on the other hand, take up the other three shelves in that unit, plus two baskets and a couple of bags. i sincerely hope the kid stays in size one and two for a while because we're lacking any sizes higher than that. or...maybe they'll just poo alot. i heard that's what babies are best at!<br /><br /><br /><em><strong>mcnamersons, part deux</strong></em><br />alright, so i know i said we were naming the kid like this:<br />zephyr rainbow robot, for a boy.<br />valentine willow moonstone, for a girl.<br /><br />but...<br />our families have had really strong reactions to the names, and not in a positive way. while we generally do whatever we please and just figure everyone will settle into the idea later, we have taken their advice for the sake of our child who will eventually have to go to school and deal with the consequences of their name. the new names are:<br />gerhardt zephyr anderson, for a boy. gerhardt was andrew's grandpa on his mom's side, and he passed away about five (?) years ago. we were a little iffy on naming after family, and only time will tell if my grandpa gets mad that the baby isn't named after him.<br />alice valentine _______ , for a girl. i really like the name alice because it's simple and pretty, and sounds really good with valentine. i can just imagine her growing up to be a writer and using alice valentine as her pen name. i'm really stuck on two middle names because that's the number i have but we may just stick with one if i don't think of a good second middle name that will flow correctly.<br /><br /><br />...and that's the news.Meghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05965816739820366841noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35569268.post-52392790271540894292008-10-20T19:42:00.000-07:002008-10-20T20:01:41.635-07:00andrew = the best everi had another doctor's appointment this morning, very early.<br />andrew stayed in the car and took a nap because he had to work later in the day, which was ok with me because he's really hell to be around when he hasn't gotten enough sleep.<br /><br />anyway,<br />i was telling my doctor about a fainting spell i had at work sunday night which had me clocking out early and going back to the hospital after having just been there saturday afternoon, when he interrupted me by saying he "thought" that i'd be fine and that he "had no idea" why it happened. per usual, he said this while throwing my chart at me and running towards the door.<br />i guess since andrew wasn't there to intimidate him he felt no need to even pretend to listen to my problems.<br />this, of course made me upset. i was able to hold myself together until i got out of the building but as soon as i got into the car i burst into tears.<br /><br />andrew, who had given up trying to sleep and was laying back listening to NPR, freaked out because he thought something was wrong with the baby. after i told him what happened he went from freaked out to completely pissed off. i asked him if he would go in and talk to the doctor for me, perhaps pursuade him to answer some questions i had, or possibly even get the name of a physician who could take care of my needs in his stead.<br />he was going to go by himself but i decided to go in just in case the doctor decided to take time and answer the questions i had been dwelling on for a week (the largest concern, oddly enough, was how soon after the birth would i be able to come in and have an IUD put in place). after being very kind and charming with the female nurses that seemed to restrict access to the doctor at all times, he was able to get us an exam room and a one on one meeting with the doc.<br /><br />i just wonder how he does it. how does he get his way without having to resort to physical violence like i do?<br />he didn't yell at anyone. he didn't make any threats. he didn't have to pretend to be a badass (i say pretend because really, despite appearances, andrew is a very gentle and amiable person who would only fight as an absolute last resort).<br />he was just very straightforward and unafraid of displaying his concern for me and his child.<br /><br />he was a "husband". he was a father.<br />he was seriously sexy in my opinion, and i feel really lucky that i am stuck with him.<br /><br /><br />but really...<br />i think he should have punched that doctor in the nads.Meghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05965816739820366841noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35569268.post-52496674152357463412008-10-19T20:05:00.001-07:002008-10-19T20:06:30.250-07:00oh hai, i'm having a baby SOONi am probably going on maternity leave a week early. i was going to take off on the first of november, but my doctors are telling me i'll probably have the baby before then.<br /><br /><br />i feel completely unprepared.<br />wish me luck.Meghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05965816739820366841noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35569268.post-80775484860981205102008-10-17T23:48:00.000-07:002008-10-18T00:02:25.424-07:00late night blippity bloo blahi really want to go on maternity leave RIGHT NOW but i have to wait two more weeks.<br />and i really want to have the baby TOMORROW but i have to wait for that too.<br />the two things i want the most right now and i can't has. (yes, i'm secretly a lolcat)<br /><br />it seems like i've been doing alot of waiting lately.<br />my friend Jen just wrote a blog about waiting, and i think she's definitely better at it than i am. i've always been impatient, no matter what the circumstances. i mean, it isn't just a minor thing to me...when i want something right away it seems like the worst thing ever to happen to me if i can't have it. i'm soooooooo overly dramatic and always have been. i hope i grow out of that so i don't teach my child to be a drama queen.<br />well, i don't know...it's kind of cute when kids do it. but when someone is in their twenties and has been pulling the drama stuff since they were a kid, it gets a little old. <br /><br />rawr...i want to have the baby as soon as possible. the longer it's in my body where i can't see it, the more time i spend on wikipedia looking up diseases/disorders and worrying that my child might have them. ALL of them. <br />and of course their phantom illnesses are my fault and i already feel really guilty for ruining their lives.<br /><br /><br />maybe i need to block wikipedia.<br /><br /><br /><br />...and work.<br />seriously, i would almost be relieved if for some reason they fire me.<br />i don't know if it's just my hormones talking, or my general lack of sleep or what, but everytime i set foot into that fitting room i get really irritated and immediately want to go back home.<br />everytime someone asks me a question i want to punch them in the face, or cry. <br /><br /><br /><br />i really think this pregnancy will be my last.<br />i can't imagine being this crazy again.Meghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05965816739820366841noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35569268.post-643880732746027502008-10-14T19:02:00.000-07:002008-10-14T19:28:08.168-07:00book recommendation from meHello To All That by John Falk.<br />i will put myself out there and say i thought it was amazing, but not in a very obvious way. and on a personal note, my love for this book is due in large to a few very simple passages in which he describes his feelings during his recurring bouts with depression.<br />in all of the blog posts and poems i wrote during and immediately after my worst depressions, i was never able to come as close as Falk does to accurately describing how i felt.<br /><br /><br />anyhoo...<br />it's the story of a guy who, in an attempt to "cure" himself of his crippling depression gets himself a press pass and takes off to Sarajevo to cover the war.<br /><br />part of what i liked about it was that i could related to the author and the story in a way that i am not often able to while reading novels. <br /><br />there are some plot holes, or rather, sketchy explanations that i couldn't quite figure out (like how he got his press pass, for example) but all in all it's a good read that isn't bogged down by overly florid filler.<br />so, if you're a fan of plain language as a means to tell a grand story, you'll probably like this book.Meghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05965816739820366841noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35569268.post-79368422240159703032008-09-30T19:34:00.000-07:002008-09-30T20:14:49.893-07:00WORST. DOCTOR. EVER.my ob/gyn is the worst doctor i've ever had in my life, and i hate the fact that i'm stuck with him for another six weeks.<br />i have had doctors that were a bit impersonal, but i figure hey, if that's what they need to do in order to be a good doctor then i'm cool with that. at least they're taking my health seriously and answering all my questions.<br /><br />my current doctor says the same things to me everytime i come in. and that's IT. most of the time he doesn't even ask me how i'm feeling. he has an established repertoire that goes something like this:<br />"thanks for waiting. let's check the position of the baby. remember, a piece of fruit a day, lots of veggies. are you on wic? you should sign up if you're not already. ok, see you next time"<br />then he shoves my documents at me and runs out the door.<br />the only good thing about him is that he takes medicaid, which is the only reason why i haven't switched/complained.<br /><br />during the third trimester ultrasound a month or so ago, during which we were supposed to find out the gender of the baby, he seemed to not know how to work the machine. he twiddled around with it, took a grand total of two minutes to roll the instrument around my belly, then said "eh, looks ok. guess it's gonna have to be a surprise though cause i can't see anything"<br />then he tore off two photos of what appears to be some bones and one that doesn't appear to be anything at all, and left me to clean the goop off my own stomach. i asked the nurse at the counter if they had anymore pictures for me and then said those were the only two he printed off.<br />i felt so cheated. this is probably the only kid we're going to have and all i get is two ultrasound photos that just look like dandruff on a black shirt.<br />when we got home, i cried all day.<br /><br /><br />the visit i had last thursday was a walk in. the baby wasn't moving as much as it should have so i went in like they told me to. the nurse hooked me up to a monitor, explained how the monitor worked (for the hundredth time, just to clarify), asked me how i was doing, joked around with Andrew for a bit and was generally really pleasant to be around.<br />after 15 minutes the doctor came in and did my group b strep swab and tried to run out. we asked him if he had gotten any results from the hospital in atlanta where i had my first ultrasound/prenatal visit, in order to determine my due date. he said yes, he had recieved everything A MONTH AGO. we have seen him a few times since then and never did he mention that he had any info.<br />not cool.<br /><br />my last visit, on monday, i received the news that i was positive for group b strep. not a big deal, but of course i was still concerned and i'm sure i looked it. he had no comforting words for me, nor did he have an explanation for what group b strep was (i already knew from looking it up online, but he didn't know that). i'm beginning to wonder if he even knows.<br />when he was on his way out, i stopped him to ask him about my sciatica and restless leg syndrome, which got him to sit down for 20 seconds before he basically threw my records at me and dashed out the door, as usual.<br /><br />Andrew wants to either punch him, or file a complaint with whatever organization handles matters like this. Unfortunately, both will have to wait until the baby is born, and in the meantime i'm stuck with "Doctor Dash-Out"Meghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05965816739820366841noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35569268.post-54349542403939151072008-09-20T08:52:00.001-07:002008-09-20T09:08:47.786-07:00welcome to walmart *grumble*I'm coming up on my 90 day evaluation at WalMart soon, which means I've actually managed to keep a job for longer than a month. A part (very small) of me is glad to have the experience but the rest of me just really wants to go on maternity leave so I'll have plenty of time to research other jobs in the area.<br /><br /><br />Andrew had his evaluation yesterday, and was denied a raise because of two absences which were accounted for and for good reason (he had to take me to the hospital due to a few baby related complications). <br />Is it just me or does that really seem like total bullshit?<br /><br />It's not that I think they are picking on him, well not JUST him. Lately I've been noticing some changes to the store that are mostly not favorable to employees. They are training everyone in my department, softlines, to be able to get on a cash register in case they are short cashiers and need to pull someone from the floor.<br />I'm all about being able to multi-task but here's the problem: softlines is on pay level 3, and cashiers are on level 2 and they are not offering us level 2 pay while we're on the registers. So we'll be making the same for doing more work.<br />Also, they have not been scheduling enough cashiers for the amount of registers they need open because they know they can pull from other departments and not have to pay any extra...<br /><br />Which makes me think that everyone is going to have enough negatives on their evaluations to be denied a raise whether it is warranted or not because the store just doesn't want to pay out the raise. Which is bullshit, of course but I guess that's just how retail is. It's really hard for me to go in to work everyday knowing that I deserve to be making more money and probably never will unless I go work somewhere else.<br /><br />I am really looking forward to going back to school. It's going to be rough with a baby and a job and planning a move but in the end it will be worth it to be able to have a career instead of just a dead end job. At least that's what I'm hoping!Meghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05965816739820366841noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35569268.post-91807036901449401792008-09-16T19:34:00.001-07:002008-09-16T19:37:20.670-07:00For reals this timeI really feel like I need to start using a blog on a daily basis. I don't have that much time but I think that the more stressful things get the more I need to vent about it. So since I cannot access Myspace on a regular basis due to the college across the street not allowing it...I guess this is the place.<br /><br /><br />Alot has happened in the almost year since I've posted on here but it's just too much to get into right right now. But now that I've started posting again, I'm sure I'll keep it up.<br /><br />Not that anyone reads this anyway but hey, it never hurts right?<br /><br /><br />Right.Meghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05965816739820366841noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35569268.post-57114342771086645492007-11-13T21:27:00.000-08:002007-11-13T21:33:11.510-08:00To the one who means the whole world to me...I'll never know why I didn't tell you...why I let it continue, why I didn't question what was going on around me.<br />I could have stopped it, I just didn't want to see the truth.<br />And when it was all over, I just didn't want to talk about it anymore. <br />Didn't want to bring it up.<br />Didn't want to make you angry.<br />Wanted things to be normal for once.<br /><br />There were other things.<br />Other things to cry about, I didn't want one more.<br /><br /><br />Now you know, and I'm glad.<br />But I'm still so sorry.Meghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05965816739820366841noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35569268.post-39092934194510264812007-10-17T22:28:00.000-07:002007-10-17T22:52:08.650-07:00Not That Lucky*written years ago, remarkably like something that just happened a few weeks ago. life is very cyclical, no?*<br /><br />"It never tastes the same anywhere else...you know?" Shiloh mused as she stared at her Big Mac. "You know?"<br />"Yeah...of course."<br />I would have done anything to get away from her at that moment. She was obviously "toasted" and was laying on the couch in her underwear dropping sesame seeds onto my jacket.<br />"Billy..."<br />"Will be here soon. He just went to run a few errands." she said, somewhat gruffly,face full of half chewed beef and sesame seed bun. It was like this every time...I would come by for the stuff, Billy wouldn't be there and Shiloh would be lonely. I'd feel bad, come in and sit while she yammered on about things that I didn't care about, and people I didn't know...and I always wondered to myself: what kind of grown man has a name like Billy? So many thoughts were running through my head as I looked around the familiar apartment. It was almost as if I spent more time there than at my own place, they still had that disgusting wall clock from the seventies that mom had given Shiloh when she married Mark Gray.<br />Whatever happened to Mark Gray? And how did my sister, who I always thought was alot smarter than me, end up shacking up with someone like Billy? What kind of name is Billy? When is he going to get here?<br />I looked up from my shoes and tilted my head towards my sister.<br />How long had I been out? Had I been out, or just not paying attention? She was still talking...talking to me.<br />"...and then Kelly and Steven got married but only because Kelly was," she patted her stomach lightly, as if she too had something growing inside "you know."<br />"Yeah well..." I started, feigning interest "that happens sometimes."<br />The rattle of keys in the door was my saving grace. I wouldn't be there much longer...and I was glad. Shiloh is my sister, and I love her to death, but that apartment creeped me out like nothing else. I guess when you know too much and aren't able to tell anyone else, the paranoia just creeps up on you.<br />"Hey Shi...how about a little..."<br />She giggled. "Shut up you pig, Denise is here."<br />I hated him...more than I hated the apartment, and every time I went crawling back I made myself sick. Why couldn't Billy just tell me that I was wasting my life, in over my head, in need of some help or some other shit like that...coming from the dealer himself it might mean alot more. Even though he was never there there when I came shuffling in for another fix, she was...that's what made me stay long enough to make a mistake. What if I showed up...and he wasn't there, and he never came back? Would I be alright then? It didn't matter, he always came back. He was always ready to make a sale.<br />I bought alot that day, more than usual, and managed to swallow all of them before I had the chance to chicken out. I can't really say what made me do it...no real reason other than the fact that I was just so tired of using and didn't have time for rehab or detox. I didn't want to be found in the kitchen...I didn't want them thinking I choked on a ham sandwich or something...so I got up from the table and made my way to my bedroom. I made it halfway down the hallway before I started to feel "the effects". A couple seconds later I fell...right on the cat. The last thing I saw before I closed my eyes was her biting and clawing at me, trying to get out from under my seemingly immovable arm. Footsteps...Grady...darkness.<br />I woke up, sometime later...could have been days later. I still have no idea. I was so upset that I woke up. Why can't it just be over? In my shower, wearing the clothes I had worn to Shiloh's...<br />Grady was sitting next to the tub with a horrified look on his face that I had never seen before. I felt a little guilty because I knew I had put it there...but it's not like I planned for him to find me.<br />"Denise..."<br />"What?" I gurgled, rolling over like a seal pup. "Turn off that water."<br />He obliged, and grabbed my arm in an attempt to drag me out of the freezing water.<br />"Leave me alone."<br />" You're about to get sick," he insisted.<br />"Don't you think I'd know if I were about to get sick?"<br />He pulled me up and positioned me just in time for my biggest mistake to be purged.<br />" Good God Denise...you could have died, what the fuck is the matter with you?" he cried desperately, holding onto me like he thought I might get up and run.<br />Yeah, I could have died...but I'm not that lucky.Meghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05965816739820366841noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35569268.post-71056496610682799172007-10-09T11:41:00.000-07:002007-10-09T11:46:28.313-07:00cruncha little brown leaf came rushing<br />flying an invisible plane<br />kamikaze branch separation anxiety notwithstanding<br />it flew as fast as it could and crashed<br />with a light crunchy whisper<br />on the pavement<br /><br /><br />all it's comrades will be under my feet in a month<br />leaving the trees naked as the bluejays that live in themMeghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05965816739820366841noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35569268.post-52268906264600521662007-10-06T17:10:00.000-07:002007-10-06T17:11:12.845-07:00missing the cashewhi.<br /><br />my name's meg.<br />and believe it or not, i have some friends.<br /><br />some of those friends don't have kids yet.<br />but some of them do.<br />and i'm really happy for them.<br /><br />but everytime i see baby pictures of other people's kids it makes me want to puke.<br />not because the babies are ugly...<br />i've only seen one ugly baby in my life and that was my brother when he was a newborn.<br /><br />wooo...he was red, bowlegged, and looked like an 80 year old. not a pretty sight.<br /><br />but i digress.<br /><br />it makes me want to puke because i am supposed to have a baby in 7 or so months.<br />but that's not going to happen because there is no baby anymore.<br />you know...they say that miscarriages are really common but i find that hard to believe.<br />this pain i'm feeling, it's something that could only happen to me.<br />i feel it so completely with my entire body and being that it's hard to believe that anyone<br />else has ever felt it, or that it's ever going to go away.<br /><br /><br />but they promise me it's going to go away with time.<br />i'll never forget it but i'll get some closure, get some peace.<br />and when i'm ready, and with only moderate medical intervention, i'll be able to get pregnant again.<br />carry to term.<br />give birth to a healthy baby.<br /><br />all of those things i could be doing much sooner if...<br />well...<br />if she were still there.<br />in the womb.<br />growing. developing. turning into something more than a cashew.<br />waiting to be born.<br />waiting to grow up and be a smartass like her parents.<br /><br />but she's not.<br />she doesn't exist.<br />the little cashew that i was sure i was going to be able to love and protect and take care of doesn't exist.<br />all the plans i made for her, for me, for us...<br />null and void.<br />they count for nothing.<br />they're never going to happen.<br /><br />i'm trying to come to terms with that. i'm trying to set the idea somewhere outside of my mind and somewhere more managable.<br />somewhere that doesn't make me cry every hour on the hour, or every five minutes if there happens to be babies anywhere in<br />my vacinity.<br />but it's just so hard.Meghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05965816739820366841noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35569268.post-83346628136942775672007-09-14T17:37:00.001-07:002007-09-14T17:37:46.195-07:00Denny loves AmericaRecently, something good happened to me.<br />I met Denny.<br /><br />Denny is a 30-something Vietnamese man with cerebral palsy who owns an oriental grocery store a block away from my house. Incidentally, his shop is the only one on the block that has unprotected WiFi. Of course this means I mooch off of him on a daily basis.<br /><br />"Denny," I said, when I finally learned his name. "Why don't you put a password in so no goods like me won't steal your WiFi?"<br /><br />He looked at me, with a very peaceful look on his face.<br /><br />"Because, this is America...and I love America. If I were still in Vietnam, I would be an outcast because of my disability. I would have nothing, be nothing. People say this is a free country and that is the most true thing I've ever heard in my life. I'm contributing to the spirit of America when I share my internet with you."<br /><br />And then, the biggest smile I had ever seen turned up on his face.<br /><br />"Besides," he added "if I didn't...how would you check your Myspace?"<br /><br /><br /><br />I want to be like Denny when I grow up.Meghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05965816739820366841noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35569268.post-53850777856103269792007-07-16T20:47:00.000-07:002007-07-16T20:49:31.343-07:00walking the walk, unlocking locksbeing lazy and loving food don't go well together, as my increase in dress size has shown me recently. so, i've been taking long walks around my neighborhood whether i want to or not, and believe me i'm leaning more towards not.<br /><br />it's an ordeal though.<br />i have to load my mp3 player with songs that i won't get bored of, and then i actually have to leave my computer and haul my fat ass outside. this step alone could take almost an hour. song selection is important you guys!<br /><br />then, i have to make it down my driveway. doesn't seem like a big deal right? well, considering the fact that i live in the country where leash laws don't apply and everyone and their mom has a farm dog or seven, it's actually the most nerve wracking element of the walks. i KNOW the dogs aren't going to bite me. logic tells me most of them are old and would only advance on me if i were wielding a machete threatening to kill their owners...but i still break out in a cold sweat everytime one of them follows me down the path. i just know they're going to go all Cujo on my ass and rip me to bits.<br />of course, they don't.<br /><br />so once i'm down the drive i have two options: keep going or bone out. as scary as those dogs are the thought of exercising really puts me in a mood. i want to be healthy and a little bit smaller but DAMN it's hot out, too many bugs, i'm wearing the wrong shoes, what if i get kidnapped while i'm out there etc etc.<br />oh yes, i have the best excuses for not going on my walks.<br /><br />but for some reason i'm able to muster up enough whatever it is and actually do some walking. as i plod along the dirt and gravel paths that make up this neighborhood, swatting kamikaze flies and mosquitos away from my mouth so i don't end up eating them, i pray.<br />not for peace on earth, good will towards man, sadly.<br />no, i pray for autopilot.<br /><br />that mental space i get into after a certain point where i can't hear anything but my music and footsteps, can't tell that i'm sweating, don't notice that my feet are killing me, can't see anything but the path in front of me and the goal i set in my head.<br /><br />sometimes i wonder if i should turn off the autopilot, if i should suffer through the pain and discomfort like the good little masochist that i am. but then...i realize how good i feel when i'm done. how...new i feel. like i can achieve something, like i DID achieve something. i may have cheated a bit but placing myself in a nearly mechanical state of mind, but i got it done. i figured out the trick.<br /><br />figuring out just what it takes to get me there, get me anywhere, is amazing. i feel alot like i discovered myself, like i found they key and unlocked the secret of my own mind.<br />or maybe it's just the adrenaline talking.Meghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05965816739820366841noreply@blogger.com1