too much time on my hands

i need to go back to work.
i am not the kind of person who can float through life with nothing to do and not a care in the world.
i need to have my mind engaged, even if it is engaged in something thats boring.
i have to have something to do to keep me from thinking too much about things i don't want to think about at all

when left to my own devices, i think alot about diseases and death. i dont know why.
i haven't always been that way. i remember a couple of years ago, sitting and vegging in front of the tv, i was thinking about shoes. i thought i was crazy then, because i couldn't shake this odd feeling of euphoria i got when i thought of high heeled boots...and i hadn't even bought them yet!

but now, here on maternity leave with a newborn son, all i can think about is how some day i will die and leave him. how one day, Andrew will die and i might be left husbandless. how one day, we'll both be gone and Zeph will technically be an orphan. a sad sixty-ish (i'm letting us live into our eighties in this scenario because that gives us sixty more years on earth...which keeps me from freaking out) orphan.


when i was pregnant with him, my thoughts would drift to diseases more often than death. i hadn't had any successful ultrasounds, had been to late to have the amniotic fluid tested. so, my fear was that he would have all the things that the testing would have revealed him to have, had i been able to have it, only i wouldn't have had any time to adjust to the idea of having a special needs child.
i was afraid he would be born with a problem, and that i wouldn't be able to handle it, and that both of our lives would be ruined.

but that didn't happen. he is perfectly healthy, and so am i, and so is his dad (or rather will be when he stops smoking) and i have nothing to worry about right now.


so why does it seem like i'm trying to kill us all in my mind?
i REALLY need to go back to work. like, tomorrow.

my new best friend

seriously.

two weeks

yesterday was Zephyr's two week birthday.
i guess being in the world for two whole weeks had him in a good mood because he seemed to mostly be over the fussy phase he had been in for the past three days.

he slept alot of the day...maybe he feels old already. ha!

i'm going to start planning his "yay i'm a month old!" party now so i don't end up sleeping through it!

date night

last night my mom agreed to watch Zephyr while we went out for a while.
we went out to dinner, and were going to come home and take a nap before picking him up, but instead we decided to go grocery shopping. grocery shopping on date night? that never used to happen but we're starting to see that if we don't utilize our time correctly we'll never get anything done.
i kind of miss when we used to go out to dinner, talk about what we had done at work or at school (when we were going), then go to a movie, then maybe go for drinks before making out in his car. lol
but that was before we moved in together, got engaged, and had the baby. it seems like an entire lifetime ago. we're no longer single, childless people. now we are parents so, our date night went like this:
- dropped off the baby
- talked about the baby on the way to dinner
- ate dinner really fast because we were starving (its really hard to fix something to eat while trying to keep a baby from crying, so by 5pm we still hadnt eaten anything even though we got up at around 10am)
- talked about how much we missed the baby on the way back from dinner
- went grocery shopping
- put up groceries and hung out for 15 minutes
- picked up the baby
- spent most of the night trying to get the baby to sleep


i did get a few good night kisses, so i guess the evening wasn't a total bust.
*sigh*
i feel like a mom now!



(Andrew unwinding with "The Hunt for Red October" after our hot date. Zephyr is tired from visiting his Mimi's house)

a week and a day!

Zeph has been with us for a week and a day, oh man!
Not that I expected him to go anywhere, but well...I'm paranoid and so everyday that he wakes up in one piece is really exciting for me!

We weren't able to have a week old party because he was sleeping, but we were excited and in high spirits that whole day. So if he ever asks when he's older, well say we celebrated in our minds while he celebrated in his bassinet.

Gearhart Zephyr Stover

My adorable son, Gearhart Zephyr Stover, was born on November 7th, 2008 at 11:04pm by C-section. He weighed in at 7 pounds, 10 ounces and was 19.5 inches long (tall?)
He had brightish red hair when he was born, but has since settled into an auburn blonde like Andrew's.
We spent a few days in the hospital resting before coming home Monday evening, where we are still mostly resting and taking it easy. He sleeps well for me, but has a bad habit in keeping his daddy up all night. Male bonding, I suppose.

In any case, he is the most perfect human being I've ever encountered, and I'm loving every moment of being his mom!

yo california, what the hell dude?

even though i was unable to vote this year (looooooooong story) i'm pretty jazzed about how things turned out. i was definitely pulling for Obama...what a history making election this has turned out to be!


BUT
(this might make me sound like way too much of a liberal and if it does i don't give a crap) there is something that really bothers me about how prop 8 turned out.
all i have to say is:


California wants to claim "progressive" status at every turn so they helped elect a black man into the office of president, but gays can't get married?


seriously, if we're going to break down barriers let's go big or go home.
what is so wrong with people who love each other getting married? if i get to do it, why can't my mom and her girlfriend do it? why can't my gay friends do it? it just makes me so sad because i know alot of people were counting on having the opportunity to marry their partners finally.
i thought everyone was supposed to be equal in this country, but apparently that excludes homosexuals.


SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT HERE!!!
what the fuck California?
i'm not sure if i miss you so much now.



*end rant*

almost there and other short stories

almost there
so today i realized that it's about ten days until my expected due date.
i was going to go on leave tomorrow, but my boss managed to guilt trip me into staying another week. there's no real reason why i can't or shouldn't so things should be fine, although i have an odd feeling that i may go into labor at walmart...which will officially make me the most white trash person i know. unmarried, pregnant and working at walmart. not where i thought i'd be at 22 but i'm sure i'll get to where i'm headed (married college grad and mom with a stable career) eventually.

can't complain but will
things are going well right now, so much so that i am really having a hard time complaining about things.
well, except for my sciatica. and sore back. and knees. and ankles. and the random zit i woke up with this morning despite my well researched and carried out blemish erradiction plan. i'm 22 and i feel like i'm going to have zits my whole life. i did pretty good the past few weeks and now that i'm nearing the end of my pregnancy the little buggers just keep popping up.
they're never that bad and i'm not sure that anyone else notices them, but i do. i had started getting really excited about the prospect of being at the end of my teenager skin days but it seems like i have at least a few more months to go. maybe i should get a second job and devote the wages from said job to maintaining regular visits to the dermatologist. that sounds practical, right?

second mcjobberson
speaking of second jobs, andrew is thinking of getting one, for some reason. i told him he should just find a better first job, but that would just be too easy right?
walmart has been kind of good to both of us but really...we can't wait to find better things and move on. it really sucks working at the only store in town, especially if you're like me and are very nearly a shopaholic. i'm missing all the good deals because by the time my shift is over i can't wait to get away from the store! i wonder if that's a strong enough reason to sue for emotional damages.


all the small things
i don't know if our cat Juno is just big or if baby stuff is just really small, but she is too large for the sling carrier we bought for the baby last night. yes...we test all of our baby items on the cats first. give us a break, we don't have a tv yet.
i guess i never realized how small babies were until i got all the little clothes together in one place and saw that, folded up, 25 or more onesies only took up one shelf out of four.
all the diapers we have been gifted with, on the other hand, take up the other three shelves in that unit, plus two baskets and a couple of bags. i sincerely hope the kid stays in size one and two for a while because we're lacking any sizes higher than that. or...maybe they'll just poo alot. i heard that's what babies are best at!


mcnamersons, part deux
alright, so i know i said we were naming the kid like this:
zephyr rainbow robot, for a boy.
valentine willow moonstone, for a girl.

but...
our families have had really strong reactions to the names, and not in a positive way. while we generally do whatever we please and just figure everyone will settle into the idea later, we have taken their advice for the sake of our child who will eventually have to go to school and deal with the consequences of their name. the new names are:
gerhardt zephyr anderson, for a boy. gerhardt was andrew's grandpa on his mom's side, and he passed away about five (?) years ago. we were a little iffy on naming after family, and only time will tell if my grandpa gets mad that the baby isn't named after him.
alice valentine _______ , for a girl. i really like the name alice because it's simple and pretty, and sounds really good with valentine. i can just imagine her growing up to be a writer and using alice valentine as her pen name. i'm really stuck on two middle names because that's the number i have but we may just stick with one if i don't think of a good second middle name that will flow correctly.


...and that's the news.

andrew = the best ever

i had another doctor's appointment this morning, very early.
andrew stayed in the car and took a nap because he had to work later in the day, which was ok with me because he's really hell to be around when he hasn't gotten enough sleep.

anyway,
i was telling my doctor about a fainting spell i had at work sunday night which had me clocking out early and going back to the hospital after having just been there saturday afternoon, when he interrupted me by saying he "thought" that i'd be fine and that he "had no idea" why it happened. per usual, he said this while throwing my chart at me and running towards the door.
i guess since andrew wasn't there to intimidate him he felt no need to even pretend to listen to my problems.
this, of course made me upset. i was able to hold myself together until i got out of the building but as soon as i got into the car i burst into tears.

andrew, who had given up trying to sleep and was laying back listening to NPR, freaked out because he thought something was wrong with the baby. after i told him what happened he went from freaked out to completely pissed off. i asked him if he would go in and talk to the doctor for me, perhaps pursuade him to answer some questions i had, or possibly even get the name of a physician who could take care of my needs in his stead.
he was going to go by himself but i decided to go in just in case the doctor decided to take time and answer the questions i had been dwelling on for a week (the largest concern, oddly enough, was how soon after the birth would i be able to come in and have an IUD put in place). after being very kind and charming with the female nurses that seemed to restrict access to the doctor at all times, he was able to get us an exam room and a one on one meeting with the doc.

i just wonder how he does it. how does he get his way without having to resort to physical violence like i do?
he didn't yell at anyone. he didn't make any threats. he didn't have to pretend to be a badass (i say pretend because really, despite appearances, andrew is a very gentle and amiable person who would only fight as an absolute last resort).
he was just very straightforward and unafraid of displaying his concern for me and his child.

he was a "husband". he was a father.
he was seriously sexy in my opinion, and i feel really lucky that i am stuck with him.


but really...
i think he should have punched that doctor in the nads.

oh hai, i'm having a baby SOON

i am probably going on maternity leave a week early. i was going to take off on the first of november, but my doctors are telling me i'll probably have the baby before then.


i feel completely unprepared.
wish me luck.

late night blippity bloo blah

i really want to go on maternity leave RIGHT NOW but i have to wait two more weeks.
and i really want to have the baby TOMORROW but i have to wait for that too.
the two things i want the most right now and i can't has. (yes, i'm secretly a lolcat)

it seems like i've been doing alot of waiting lately.
my friend Jen just wrote a blog about waiting, and i think she's definitely better at it than i am. i've always been impatient, no matter what the circumstances. i mean, it isn't just a minor thing to me...when i want something right away it seems like the worst thing ever to happen to me if i can't have it. i'm soooooooo overly dramatic and always have been. i hope i grow out of that so i don't teach my child to be a drama queen.
well, i don't know...it's kind of cute when kids do it. but when someone is in their twenties and has been pulling the drama stuff since they were a kid, it gets a little old.

rawr...i want to have the baby as soon as possible. the longer it's in my body where i can't see it, the more time i spend on wikipedia looking up diseases/disorders and worrying that my child might have them. ALL of them.
and of course their phantom illnesses are my fault and i already feel really guilty for ruining their lives.


maybe i need to block wikipedia.



...and work.
seriously, i would almost be relieved if for some reason they fire me.
i don't know if it's just my hormones talking, or my general lack of sleep or what, but everytime i set foot into that fitting room i get really irritated and immediately want to go back home.
everytime someone asks me a question i want to punch them in the face, or cry.



i really think this pregnancy will be my last.
i can't imagine being this crazy again.

book recommendation from me

Hello To All That by John Falk.
i will put myself out there and say i thought it was amazing, but not in a very obvious way. and on a personal note, my love for this book is due in large to a few very simple passages in which he describes his feelings during his recurring bouts with depression.
in all of the blog posts and poems i wrote during and immediately after my worst depressions, i was never able to come as close as Falk does to accurately describing how i felt.


anyhoo...
it's the story of a guy who, in an attempt to "cure" himself of his crippling depression gets himself a press pass and takes off to Sarajevo to cover the war.

part of what i liked about it was that i could related to the author and the story in a way that i am not often able to while reading novels.

there are some plot holes, or rather, sketchy explanations that i couldn't quite figure out (like how he got his press pass, for example) but all in all it's a good read that isn't bogged down by overly florid filler.
so, if you're a fan of plain language as a means to tell a grand story, you'll probably like this book.

WORST. DOCTOR. EVER.

my ob/gyn is the worst doctor i've ever had in my life, and i hate the fact that i'm stuck with him for another six weeks.
i have had doctors that were a bit impersonal, but i figure hey, if that's what they need to do in order to be a good doctor then i'm cool with that. at least they're taking my health seriously and answering all my questions.

my current doctor says the same things to me everytime i come in. and that's IT. most of the time he doesn't even ask me how i'm feeling. he has an established repertoire that goes something like this:
"thanks for waiting. let's check the position of the baby. remember, a piece of fruit a day, lots of veggies. are you on wic? you should sign up if you're not already. ok, see you next time"
then he shoves my documents at me and runs out the door.
the only good thing about him is that he takes medicaid, which is the only reason why i haven't switched/complained.

during the third trimester ultrasound a month or so ago, during which we were supposed to find out the gender of the baby, he seemed to not know how to work the machine. he twiddled around with it, took a grand total of two minutes to roll the instrument around my belly, then said "eh, looks ok. guess it's gonna have to be a surprise though cause i can't see anything"
then he tore off two photos of what appears to be some bones and one that doesn't appear to be anything at all, and left me to clean the goop off my own stomach. i asked the nurse at the counter if they had anymore pictures for me and then said those were the only two he printed off.
i felt so cheated. this is probably the only kid we're going to have and all i get is two ultrasound photos that just look like dandruff on a black shirt.
when we got home, i cried all day.


the visit i had last thursday was a walk in. the baby wasn't moving as much as it should have so i went in like they told me to. the nurse hooked me up to a monitor, explained how the monitor worked (for the hundredth time, just to clarify), asked me how i was doing, joked around with Andrew for a bit and was generally really pleasant to be around.
after 15 minutes the doctor came in and did my group b strep swab and tried to run out. we asked him if he had gotten any results from the hospital in atlanta where i had my first ultrasound/prenatal visit, in order to determine my due date. he said yes, he had recieved everything A MONTH AGO. we have seen him a few times since then and never did he mention that he had any info.
not cool.

my last visit, on monday, i received the news that i was positive for group b strep. not a big deal, but of course i was still concerned and i'm sure i looked it. he had no comforting words for me, nor did he have an explanation for what group b strep was (i already knew from looking it up online, but he didn't know that). i'm beginning to wonder if he even knows.
when he was on his way out, i stopped him to ask him about my sciatica and restless leg syndrome, which got him to sit down for 20 seconds before he basically threw my records at me and dashed out the door, as usual.

Andrew wants to either punch him, or file a complaint with whatever organization handles matters like this. Unfortunately, both will have to wait until the baby is born, and in the meantime i'm stuck with "Doctor Dash-Out"

welcome to walmart *grumble*

I'm coming up on my 90 day evaluation at WalMart soon, which means I've actually managed to keep a job for longer than a month. A part (very small) of me is glad to have the experience but the rest of me just really wants to go on maternity leave so I'll have plenty of time to research other jobs in the area.


Andrew had his evaluation yesterday, and was denied a raise because of two absences which were accounted for and for good reason (he had to take me to the hospital due to a few baby related complications).
Is it just me or does that really seem like total bullshit?

It's not that I think they are picking on him, well not JUST him. Lately I've been noticing some changes to the store that are mostly not favorable to employees. They are training everyone in my department, softlines, to be able to get on a cash register in case they are short cashiers and need to pull someone from the floor.
I'm all about being able to multi-task but here's the problem: softlines is on pay level 3, and cashiers are on level 2 and they are not offering us level 2 pay while we're on the registers. So we'll be making the same for doing more work.
Also, they have not been scheduling enough cashiers for the amount of registers they need open because they know they can pull from other departments and not have to pay any extra...

Which makes me think that everyone is going to have enough negatives on their evaluations to be denied a raise whether it is warranted or not because the store just doesn't want to pay out the raise. Which is bullshit, of course but I guess that's just how retail is. It's really hard for me to go in to work everyday knowing that I deserve to be making more money and probably never will unless I go work somewhere else.

I am really looking forward to going back to school. It's going to be rough with a baby and a job and planning a move but in the end it will be worth it to be able to have a career instead of just a dead end job. At least that's what I'm hoping!

For reals this time

I really feel like I need to start using a blog on a daily basis. I don't have that much time but I think that the more stressful things get the more I need to vent about it. So since I cannot access Myspace on a regular basis due to the college across the street not allowing it...I guess this is the place.


Alot has happened in the almost year since I've posted on here but it's just too much to get into right right now. But now that I've started posting again, I'm sure I'll keep it up.

Not that anyone reads this anyway but hey, it never hurts right?


Right.