Tuesday, May 29, 2007


the drive was brief and dark with the occasional street light blinking furiously as if to justify it's existance. when we arrived, the bridge lay stretched wide and empty in front of us.
empty. not one other car anywhere near the bridge, and as far as i could see there was no one on the other side either.
i remember running on that bridge, away from the fights and the screaming and the hitting. tripping every few steps on my clumsy, scared feet. trying to get away from here, from them, forever.
from my first time seeing that bridge again, in all it's quiet and rusty majesty, i knew i couldn't stay here much longer.
that bridge represented everythig i had always loved, hated and didn't understand about the town itself. it was old and rickety, but no repairs had been made since the 1950's. no one usually crossed it since the newer bridge was built a few blocks down the river, but no one closed the old one or tore it down. it served no purpose other than to usher those few who had never heard of the town's emptiness into their own little oblivion.
almost ten years ago we left this place but i never really forgot it. i wanted to believe that some day i could move back into the simple life, and be happy living in the country with a house full of children and a yard full of dogs. but somewhere, somehow in those ten years i grew out of the simple life and began dreaming big dreams.
i can't be as fabulous as i want to be in a town without a theatre, a cabaret, or even a pub.
why i chose the "showbiz" life, i will never be able to explain.
all i know is that ten years didn't take the painful memories out of this town, or out of my heart, and i shouldn't have to hurt anymore.
so i cross that bridge, now that i've come to it.

Friday, May 18, 2007

the all encompassing pessimism and morbidity of human kind -- or -- a catchy little ditty about death and stuff

on the way home from bc today, i started thinking about life.
pretty sure it was the last time i'd ever set foot on that campus, and things didn't end well. just like they technically didn't begin well (i wanted to go to cal state instead, since it was closer, and have probably been holding a grudge against bc since last spring) but i guess that's all in the past now.

i was thinking...
maybe that was what i wanted all along.
to be right about things turning out badly.
there are alot of things i've been pessimistic about, i suppose.

but i think we're all like that, in a way.
we all want to hear gossip, tragedy. it's why we watch the news. they never tell us anything good and yet everyday at five, six, seven, eight and eleven we're sitting in front of the television just dying to see who has kicked the bucket and whether or not there was a murder on our side of town that day.

it wasn't a very long trip. and i didn't want to dwell on things, so i started thinking about how cool it would be to have a giant cupcake shaped like a bear. (don't ask)

when i got home, i went back to packing and watching human giant.
at dinner in the living room with my grandpa, we were switching in between cspan and the history channel before we finally stopped on a program about world war two. he seemed excited to see it, which made me think...again.

we view history the same as we view the present and future.
we mentally (and sometimes officially) label decades and eras by what wars occurred in them.
we want to know all about the wars, the plagues, the uprisings.

do we ever think of the people who fought the wars?
or died in the plagues...and better yet, the ones that survived?
or risked their lives in order to rise up against an unsatisfactory political regime, trying to make a better lives for themselves, their families, and their countries.

but we sure as hell want to know how a guillotine works, and whether or not the victim of one would be able to see their own body as their head rolled around on the ground.

or maybe that's just me being morbid.

Saturday, May 12, 2007

"you're so nick drake right now"

someone said this to me, in a dream last night.
who it was that said it, i forget. probably no one i actually know.
probably one of those people you meet in dreams that are there to lead you somewhere that no real person could.
i don't know if this realization makes me feel any better about my life, seeing as how nick drake killed himself at the age of 26...
but i suppose anything you retain after waking up must be something worth remembering, for whatever reason.

the rest of my day has not been filled with similar revelations. makes me wonder if i should just go back to sleep.
today is just one of those days where i think i want to feel everything i should have felt in the last month or so but didn't let myself.
everything is gaining this eerie finality...
people are talking about when i'm leaving and when i'm coming back.

when i say i'm not planning on coming back for any extended period of time, they laugh. they don't believe me.
it's like they don't trust me to make a decision and stick with it. it's like they don't trust me to live my own life.

i can't even get angry.
i'm just so tired, confused, contemplative, distant.
or at least i want to be.
i could be all those things if i wasn't so numb.

i'm trying to enjoy my friends before i leave but really all i want to do is curl up and sleep.
trying not to worry so much about how things are going to turn out and whether or not the decision i made is right.
i don't want to be wrong about this, for a lot of reasons.
this is a very expensive, potentially very emotionally taxing mistake to make if it is indeed a mistake.

but i am worried. as much as i say i'm not, i definitely am.
a part of me thinks i'm fleeing this place when i should be picking myself up by my boot straps and carrying forward, no
matter what being said or done against me.
but another part of me thinks that if you're unhappy, you should go great lengths to make everything better....
because if there is one thing i've learned, time and again, it is that sadness can be very dangerous.

i shouldn't have to keep feeling this way.
i deserve so much more that settling for an existance that i've always been uncomfortable with.
i deserve to be happy and to laugh again...with my entire body, my entire self, my entire soul.

i have tried to feel all day, but all i get is a brain full of words that i'm not sure i connect with.
maybe i'll get some good songs out of this.

Friday, May 11, 2007

i'm going to...

believe in myself, even if i'm wrong.

i feel better now.

Friday, May 04, 2007

one day at a time...thankfully sans mackenzie phillips

i have noticed that i feel a little better about life every day. one day at a time...who knew?

i booked my flight this afternoon, and as soon as i clicked "submit" it felt like a two ton weight was lifted off my shoulders. i'm really going. REALLY. i couldn't turn back now even if i wanted to...unless i could immediately pay my grandparents back for the $200 they ended up spending on my tickets which...hi, college student. no way in hell!

sometimes, i have to do this to myself. burn bridges so i can't cross back to where i've already been. it's not such a good idea to do that with people, but i have no problems doing it with locations/situations.
i guess you could say i didn't fully think out this plan, but you know what? like i said before, i can't back down. i have to man up and take whatever consequences come with my decision.
MY decision. that feels really good to say.

i'm moving.
and for once, i'm the one that gets to decide the when, where and how.
it's not because my stepdad lost his job and couldn't afford our rent. it's not because of any of the reasons there were before.
it's because i wanted to change my life, and finally had the guts/balls/brains to do it.

i'm so immensely proud of myself right now.
i love the world and everything feels so good.
and the best part of it is that i know it's gonna feel better tomorrow.
and the next day.
and the next.