Small

Something happened to me today that I can't explain.

It's not like I've never been told to shut up before, but it has been a long time since someone hurled these words at me so forcefully.

"Shut the hell up" he growled, forcefully. My friend, spitting these words at me with contempt and something close to rage.

Something you should know about me before I continue:
I have tried long and hard to build myself up, to change into who I am from who I was. When I was younger I spent a good bit of time being bullied emotionally and physically, both at school and at home. Being told to shut up was something that was a regular thing for me...and it was maddening because I was almost always just trying to help, just trying to get my ideas out of my mind and into the world. I was always just trying to be heard, which is one of the few things about me that has not changed.

I am not a hard ass by any means (well, maybe just a little) but there are some things that I just cannot allow people to get away with. The aforementioned outburst is one of those things. I'm not ten years old, I'm not weak, and I'm not afraid of anyone...so if you're treating me with anything other than the respect that I feel I have earned, we have a problem.

When he told me to shut up, my first reaction was not anger. It was...I can't explain it. I just felt so small. So weak. So...ten years ago. Rather than jump across the room and beat the crap out of said friend, I squeaked out "You're being aggressive and making me uncomfortable. Unless you're going to apologize to me and mean it, you need to leave my home now."

He apologized, but I'm not sure if he meant it. I'm not sure if he understood the impact his words had on me. I'm not sure if anyone ever will.

I just know that I can't shake that feeling.