PPD

Everytime I do a show, I always say "This is the last show I'm doing", not because I hate theatre or that I really never want to do it again, but at a certain point in the run of a show I remember that I'm going to be sad when the show is over. I'm not one of those people that likes to dwell on the melancholy, but it just always seems to creep up on me, usually at the second to last show. Things were much the same for Project Murder last night, when I delivered one of my funnier lines and had to keep from choking up. After tonight, I will never say those lines again in front of an audience. I will never be drunk, loyal, overbearing, sassy, in love with shrimp balls Lucy Fitzsimmons ever again.

And that makes me sad, because she is amazing...and as conceited as this will make me sound, I feel amazing when I let myself fully be her.

I was talking with my dear friend Andrew last night when the topic of my self image came up.
"I have assloads of self esteem," I remarked, quite eloquently if I do say so myself.
He looked at me, laughed and said "No. No you don't."

I thought about it for a few moments and realized that, sonofabitch, he was right. I'm not sure how I got this way or why. When given time to think about it I can think of at least five good things about myself....and yet, the only time I feel totally comfortable with myself is when I just so happen to be someone else.

A slutty red dress, a wedding cake hat, an obnoxious pink coat: they are enablers. They let me be onstage who I want to be in real life.

The characters I've played thus far have been amazing, strong women.
There is nothing fake about Lucy Fitzsimmons. She tells it like it is.
There is no uncertainty in Irma Kronkite's life. She's not gonna be a slave her whole life and she'll wear whatever hat she wants.
There is no lonliness for Raquel. She wants a man, she gets him. Why? Because she's a maneater and she would NEVER apologize for it.

What about me though?
Sometimes I lie to make people feel better. Sometimes I lie to myself about how I feel, because I just don't want to be sad. Anger is fine...it's how I was raised. But sadness? Crying? Not allowed.

Who am I? Where am I going? Why was I even put on this earth? I have no idea, and when I think about it, it scares me. It really, really scares me. What if I never contribute to society, to the world? Then I was born for nothing.

Does he like me? Probably not. Why would he? I mean, I'm loud and obnoxious, I talk without thinking, I'm stubborn. I'm emotionally confused and probably damaged. Who could look past things like that? Who would bother taking the time to see that I'm worth the trouble?


As much as it runs me into the ground, and makes me yammer on like this...as much as I'll never make much money doing it, I'm just not sure if I could ever stop doing theatre because I'm not much on my own, but give me a character that has potential and I can be ten feet tall...or at least feel that way.