missing the cashew

hi.

my name's meg.
and believe it or not, i have some friends.

some of those friends don't have kids yet.
but some of them do.
and i'm really happy for them.

but everytime i see baby pictures of other people's kids it makes me want to puke.
not because the babies are ugly...
i've only seen one ugly baby in my life and that was my brother when he was a newborn.

wooo...he was red, bowlegged, and looked like an 80 year old. not a pretty sight.

but i digress.

it makes me want to puke because i am supposed to have a baby in 7 or so months.
but that's not going to happen because there is no baby anymore.
you know...they say that miscarriages are really common but i find that hard to believe.
this pain i'm feeling, it's something that could only happen to me.
i feel it so completely with my entire body and being that it's hard to believe that anyone
else has ever felt it, or that it's ever going to go away.


but they promise me it's going to go away with time.
i'll never forget it but i'll get some closure, get some peace.
and when i'm ready, and with only moderate medical intervention, i'll be able to get pregnant again.
carry to term.
give birth to a healthy baby.

all of those things i could be doing much sooner if...
well...
if she were still there.
in the womb.
growing. developing. turning into something more than a cashew.
waiting to be born.
waiting to grow up and be a smartass like her parents.

but she's not.
she doesn't exist.
the little cashew that i was sure i was going to be able to love and protect and take care of doesn't exist.
all the plans i made for her, for me, for us...
null and void.
they count for nothing.
they're never going to happen.

i'm trying to come to terms with that. i'm trying to set the idea somewhere outside of my mind and somewhere more managable.
somewhere that doesn't make me cry every hour on the hour, or every five minutes if there happens to be babies anywhere in
my vacinity.
but it's just so hard.