"you're so nick drake right now"

someone said this to me, in a dream last night.
who it was that said it, i forget. probably no one i actually know.
probably one of those people you meet in dreams that are there to lead you somewhere that no real person could.
i don't know if this realization makes me feel any better about my life, seeing as how nick drake killed himself at the age of 26...
but i suppose anything you retain after waking up must be something worth remembering, for whatever reason.


the rest of my day has not been filled with similar revelations. makes me wonder if i should just go back to sleep.
today is just one of those days where i think i want to feel everything i should have felt in the last month or so but didn't let myself.
everything is gaining this eerie finality...
people are talking about when i'm leaving and when i'm coming back.

when i say i'm not planning on coming back for any extended period of time, they laugh. they don't believe me.
it's like they don't trust me to make a decision and stick with it. it's like they don't trust me to live my own life.

i can't even get angry.
i'm just so tired, confused, contemplative, distant.
or at least i want to be.
i could be all those things if i wasn't so numb.

i'm trying to enjoy my friends before i leave but really all i want to do is curl up and sleep.
trying not to worry so much about how things are going to turn out and whether or not the decision i made is right.
i don't want to be wrong about this, for a lot of reasons.
this is a very expensive, potentially very emotionally taxing mistake to make if it is indeed a mistake.


but i am worried. as much as i say i'm not, i definitely am.
a part of me thinks i'm fleeing this place when i should be picking myself up by my boot straps and carrying forward, no
matter what being said or done against me.
but another part of me thinks that if you're unhappy, you should go great lengths to make everything better....
because if there is one thing i've learned, time and again, it is that sadness can be very dangerous.



i shouldn't have to keep feeling this way.
i deserve so much more that settling for an existance that i've always been uncomfortable with.
i deserve to be happy and to laugh again...with my entire body, my entire self, my entire soul.


i have tried to feel all day, but all i get is a brain full of words that i'm not sure i connect with.
maybe i'll get some good songs out of this.