it's not vanity, it's reality

in my quest to be more selfish, i 've been thinking alot about myself.
and i came to realize that my body is always at the forefront of my mind.

i never quite feel satisfied with the way i look, how much i weigh, etc.
maybe if i fixed my body, i would feel better.
from the outside, seeping into the inside.

i know that's not how things are supposed to work, but whether i like it or not
i wil never feel one hundred percent until i lose some weight.


my goal is not to weigh 80 pounds or anything drastic.
if i could just get back to 150 i would feel so much better.
i would look the way i want to. not the way anyone else wants me to.

it's not like i'm huge or anything.
unless you classify weighing over 150 as huge, and then, i'm gigantic.
and by alot of people's standards, i'm fairly attractive.
not supermodelly, but pretty.
and (this may sound vain but...) i agree with them.
i have a nice face.
it's just my body i'm worried about.
and no matter how many times people say that
"oh i love curves"
or
"more cushion for the pushin'"
or whatever they say
i know i won't be happy until i reach a weight and look that is suitable
for me, and my own tastes.

and that's not vanity, it's reality.
MY reality.