too much time on my hands

i need to go back to work.
i am not the kind of person who can float through life with nothing to do and not a care in the world.
i need to have my mind engaged, even if it is engaged in something thats boring.
i have to have something to do to keep me from thinking too much about things i don't want to think about at all

when left to my own devices, i think alot about diseases and death. i dont know why.
i haven't always been that way. i remember a couple of years ago, sitting and vegging in front of the tv, i was thinking about shoes. i thought i was crazy then, because i couldn't shake this odd feeling of euphoria i got when i thought of high heeled boots...and i hadn't even bought them yet!

but now, here on maternity leave with a newborn son, all i can think about is how some day i will die and leave him. how one day, Andrew will die and i might be left husbandless. how one day, we'll both be gone and Zeph will technically be an orphan. a sad sixty-ish (i'm letting us live into our eighties in this scenario because that gives us sixty more years on earth...which keeps me from freaking out) orphan.


when i was pregnant with him, my thoughts would drift to diseases more often than death. i hadn't had any successful ultrasounds, had been to late to have the amniotic fluid tested. so, my fear was that he would have all the things that the testing would have revealed him to have, had i been able to have it, only i wouldn't have had any time to adjust to the idea of having a special needs child.
i was afraid he would be born with a problem, and that i wouldn't be able to handle it, and that both of our lives would be ruined.

but that didn't happen. he is perfectly healthy, and so am i, and so is his dad (or rather will be when he stops smoking) and i have nothing to worry about right now.


so why does it seem like i'm trying to kill us all in my mind?
i REALLY need to go back to work. like, tomorrow.